For last couple of months I've been in very dark place, nothing seems to go my way, and if something can go wrong it will go wrong. I'm in my mid 20's I have always been single (probably because I look like a piece of shit) and only people I could talk to were a group of my mates or my mother. I don't want to burden my mother with anything because she is pretty old and she has a fair share of problems on her plate herself, so that option is out. When I try to talk about how I feel to my friends I can see they get visibly uncomfortable, and I feel that they started to despise me and try to avoid me. Because of that I started to resent them too and decided I won't speak to them any more, since they are better off without me. Only solace I had was my job there I was happy and when I felt sad I just focused on my work even more, but for about a month this method stopped working too, and my job no longer offers me protection from my own toughs, because of that I started to fall behind and I'm afraid they will let me go sometime soon. When I get home I have nothing to do, none to talk to. I thought maybe I should adopt a dog (I really love dogs) for some company, but the local shelter rejected my adoption application, and I was even denied a freaking dog that needed home (guess they found someone better I hope the dog is happy). I tried seeking help but where I live there is not much mental care provided by the state, only option is a private counselling, but I don't think the doctor would want me to get better because that would mean I would stop paying him money, also I can't really afford that. I feel I wasted my entire life so far. Sorry for self loathing I just wanted to say (write) it all out loud.
If someone is even reading this I wish you all the best.
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