I have a sister 8 years older than me who is also into spiritual/esoteric stuff. She likes to give people spiritual advice as well and I believe the topics she talks about are sound. In many ways, we can relate because we both have an intuitive sense of some spiritual truths and are able to articulate them through words.
However, the wound I got from her was the feeling of abandonment. That compared to her, I was lame (and bullied by peers), and she wasn't at all interested in hanging out with me, because she was cool and popular. Nowadays, she is shifting to be more spiritual, and I guess has been for a few years now.
We both still have inner wounds that have not been healed. It still feels like if she wants me to be successful, then I have to close off from her because that is the aura she is giving. I need to stay quiet and stay focused, because otherwise her words might send me into an anxious spiral and I wouldn't be able to do what she wanted me to do in the first place.
One time she expressed that people who aren't doing what they can to improve are "making excuses" and "not being accountable" (words she has used). And while that is logically true, and it is certainly a deep hard truth (because people do have to face their shadows at some point), there seems to be a lack of empathy in those types of statements.
Now, I am certainly doing my part, and I am trying to just feel/acknowledge this pain within me as I try to concentrate on bettering myself. I'm just trying my best not to let this pain trigger anxious behavioral patterns within me. I'm just trying my best not to self-sabotage. I do tap into my intuitive/higher-self from time to time and for the most part I get along with myself and comfort myself whenever I need to.
I've also recently read Dale Carnegie's book (I know it's not spiritual, but I still find it useful) and I know that giving criticism wouldn't really serve us both in the best way. I really do have to concentrate first on bettering myself, while encouraging the good that I do see in others.
I guess I could tell her that I appreciate her good intentions. And I will NOT mention that "I wish sometimes she could just sit with me" instead of giving advice all of the time. Because I did try to tell her before and she got a bit defensive (mentioning her good intentions and all, and "you were the one who asked").
The good thing was when she said one time "I appreciate you being blunt with me as it is making me aware of my own shadow that I need to deal with." But that doesn't happen all the time. And I guess right now I can't deal with the stress if she doesn't react that way next time.
We both are aware of the gap we need to repair as sisters. I just think this has been going on for way too long already. And it seems that we're both only half-committed to repairing our bond because… perhaps… we both need to be "successful" first. I don't know.
…I really don't know.
I'm the first one among us two to admit that I am alienated with the way the world feels so transactional / dog-eat-dog. That all the underdogs are being forced by society to feel so much shame for apparently trivial things.
For a long time I let that hard truth get me down too much instead of trying to better my life. I know I was wrong on that end, and right now I am trying to change.
One of the struggles I've been having is that every time I try to work on being successful, I feel such immense pain. And I know exactly where it is stemming from.
I'm not really sure, but I guess I should just push through. OR MAYBE, I should work on getting a more meaningful job/building a meaningful business (one that helps other people's lives)? Is that the only way I can heal? Or will pushing while staying mindful/aware make this naturally happen anyway? I mean, I've been debating whether I should really better my performance in my current job or if I should start looking elsewhere.
Right now I'm pushing through because supposedly, I could use the money I'm currently earning to help our parents, etc.
I guess I'm just really pouring this out right now because recently this wound has been STRONGLY triggered (I have been more consciously aware of having this wound for a few months now, or rather, a few months ago was the first time I ever put it into writing and connected the roots to my sister–instead of all the people/peers I used to encounter out there). Nowadays I don't care at all about all the other people I used to have a problem with (those outside of the family). Nowadays I can do without them forever. I no longer want to please them. I just want to stay the heck away from them.
But I cannot avoid my own sister. And so here it is, a triggered wound, out in the open.
Perhaps it is almost healing, because I am so consciously articulating it right now.
Perhaps it is healing because I am aware of HOW SUPER PAINFUL IT IS.
And I am trying my best to still perform well even if there are so many things in the world that make us feel conflicted inside. There is rarely a black and white answer to our situations. If I leave my job or if I don't, it will be the same–a long road to a profound spiritual lesson. Either way, I will learn my lesson. Either way, I will heal.
I don't fully believe it yet because I haven't experienced it yet.
But I have to keep moving on even if I'm not sure if I'm headed the right direction.
I'm supposed to make many more mistakes on this journey, anyway…
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